1
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:32,688
Good evening. It's lovely to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:32,689 --> 00:00:35,549
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting the

3
00:00:35,550 --> 00:00:39,009
brilliant top civil servant who's got
his ear to the ground, his nose to the

4
00:00:39,010 --> 00:00:41,909
grindstone, his shoulder to the wheel,
his eye on the clock, his hand in the

5
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:45,249
till, his back to the wall, his foot in
the door and his finger on the button.

6
00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:47,600
And we'll be asking him how he does his
flies up.

7
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:54,369
We'll also be hearing about the
explorer, who's also a bit of a

8
00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:56,420
and got lost in the back of his own
beyond.

9
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,119
But first, the news. The search for
Twilton Gumboots, Britain's most

10
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,779
criminal, will be getting underway very
shortly when police have closed their

11
00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:09,040
eyes and counted up to 100.

12
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:17,500
Her Majesty the Queen had a heavy cold
today and cancelled a royal walkabout.

13
00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:20,570
She stayed in and read the telephone
directory instead.

14
00:01:22,380 --> 00:01:26,479
And it's been a sad day for Walton
Shrubs, the lonely bachelor who joined a

15
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,430
computer dating agency because he
couldn't chat up girls.

16
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,090
Now he's discovered he can't fill in
forms either.

17
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:38,719
Widespread concern was being voiced in
the House of Commons today about

18
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,740
inadequate height of the furniture.

19
00:01:40,741 --> 00:01:44,959
This follows an incident on Monday when
a minister ran into the House and tabled

20
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,010
his amendments.

21
00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:54,299
And at the exhibition of motorway art,
which opened at the Hayward Gallery this

22
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:58,699
morning, an oil painting of the Drive
Slowly sign was so realistic that 59

23
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,200
people completely ignored it.

24
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:08,019
Finally, fears that standards are
dropping at the annual cattle show were

25
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:12,520
confirmed today when the best of breed
prize was won by a tin of oxtail soup.

26
00:02:12,521 --> 00:02:18,049
And now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, whose wife tries not to bring

27
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:20,340
the beast in him because she's afraid of
mice.

28
00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:32,840
Hello, Jack.

29
00:02:33,030 --> 00:02:34,080
Hello.

30
00:02:34,230 --> 00:02:35,910
Monte Carlo Robinson.

31
00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:38,390
Good heavens, Monte Carlo.

32
00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:41,670
Haven't seen you for ages. I'll join you
in a minute. Yes.

33
00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:43,210
Monte Carlo.

34
00:02:43,211 --> 00:02:45,329
It's a damn funny name, isn't it?

35
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:49,929
Yes, it was all the rage in those days,
you know. One named one's child after

36
00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:54,090
the place he or she was, in fact,
conceived, as it were.

37
00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:59,350
Apparently, the Robinsons had a cracking
good time in Monte Carlo.

38
00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:02,790
Hence, he is called Monte Carlo.

39
00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:06,150
Of course, of course. I remember. I know
his younger brother.

40
00:03:06,151 --> 00:03:09,469
Really? What's he called? He's called
Monte Carlo, isn't he? They must have

41
00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:10,520
there every year.

42
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,100
Probably, probably.

43
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:14,920
Yeah. Hello, Orchard.

44
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,290
Hello, Nancy.

45
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:32,540
Nancy? He was actually conceived in
North Sea. Ah, I see.

46
00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:35,780
The car broke down on the way to Monte
Carlo.

47
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,920
He's since been anglicized. Has he?

48
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,840
I mean, and he's now called... He's now
called Nancy.

49
00:03:43,841 --> 00:03:47,939
Yes. Well, of course, the way cars break
down nowadays, there must be Nancy boys

50
00:03:47,940 --> 00:03:48,990
everywhere.

51
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,060
Yeah. Hello there, old chap.

52
00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:54,430
Hello, Ramsgate.

53
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,320
Ramsgate? Are you a Ramsgate fan, Shaw?

54
00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:06,810
Obviously, your parents couldn't even
wait till they got on the ferry.

55
00:04:14,470 --> 00:04:19,630
Tell me, Henshaw, you're not named after
the place you were... Oh, no, no,

56
00:04:19,649 --> 00:04:22,659
absolutely not, certainly not, certainly
not. A letter, Mr.

57
00:04:23,070 --> 00:04:24,970
Fanshawe. Thank you, Romford.

58
00:04:28,130 --> 00:04:32,749
I say, this isn't for me, this is for
you, Henshaw. What? Not Fanshawe, this

59
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:33,289
for you.

60
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:37,169
What terrible writing. What is that
Christian name? Never mind that, never

61
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,110
that. Be patient, my dear.

62
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:58,449
Equality. Now, the government white
paper on the equal society was published

63
00:04:58,450 --> 00:05:03,569
today. Its main provisions are as
follows. From April the 1st, 1981,

64
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:04,830
must be of equal height.

65
00:05:05,290 --> 00:05:09,549
This height will be three foot above the
saloon bar for men and two foot under

66
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:10,750
the hairdryer for women.

67
00:05:11,350 --> 00:05:14,780
Anyone found shorter than the equal
height will be looked down upon.

68
00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:18,709
He will then be sent to a government
height -inducing camp where he will

69
00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:22,209
in a barrel of manure until he's tall
enough to step out without catching

70
00:05:22,210 --> 00:05:24,010
anything on the rusty nail at the top.

71
00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:30,509
must also be of equal weight. This
weight, everyone, I should say, must be

72
00:05:30,510 --> 00:05:34,769
equal weight. This weight to be
established as quite heavy for men and

73
00:05:34,770 --> 00:05:35,820
so heavy for women.

74
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:40,000
Except during pregnancy, of course, when
women will be permitted a little more.

75
00:05:40,330 --> 00:05:42,980
Men, however, will not be permitted
anything at all.

76
00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:48,469
Now, anyone below equal weight will be
forcibly fed with chocolate biscuits

77
00:05:48,470 --> 00:05:49,850
through the usual channels.

78
00:05:51,530 --> 00:05:55,250
And will receive a silicone injection in
the event, or in the arm.

79
00:05:57,130 --> 00:06:00,380
woman thinks silicone is silly, she can
have cortisone instead.

80
00:06:00,430 --> 00:06:07,089
If a man has cortisone, he should be
more careful with his... All

81
00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:13,229
people must also be of equal colour.
There will be a choice of complexion,

82
00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:16,540
peaches and cream, salmon and shrimp, or
blackberry and custard.

83
00:06:16,541 --> 00:06:20,889
No one will be allowed to be more than
one colour, except Chinese communists,

84
00:06:20,890 --> 00:06:22,390
who will be both red and yellow.

85
00:06:22,391 --> 00:06:26,419
Chinese Communist honeymoon couples, who
will be red, yellow, and green, and

86
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,619
Chinese Communist honeymoon couples who
didn't make out, who will be red,

87
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:30,820
yellow, green, and blue.

88
00:06:30,821 --> 00:06:35,199
Anyone found to be red, yellow, green,
black, and blue will be deemed to be a

89
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,910
Chinese Communist honeymoon couple who
did make out.

90
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:42,320
Now, I would like to show you a diagram.
I would like to, but I can't, as Mrs.

91
00:06:42,321 --> 00:06:43,859
Whitehouse might complain.

92
00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:48,740
But I'll tell you about it. As from
1985, everyone will be of equal shape.

93
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,670
Except, of course, that women will have
two of these and one of those.

94
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,570
And men will have one of these and two
of those.

95
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,639
If any man is found to have two of
these, he will be declared a woman,

96
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,840
he has one of those or not.

97
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,540
Now, if a man has got one of these but
only one of those, he will get a

98
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:23,960
and two of those, he won't get a
pension, but he will get attention.

99
00:07:25,550 --> 00:07:29,050
Believe you me, any man found with three
of those will be ostracized.

100
00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:31,910
Which is bad news for pawnbrokers.

101
00:07:33,630 --> 00:07:34,680
Excuse me.

102
00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:37,850
Hello. Oh, hello, Mrs. Whitehouse. You
what?

103
00:07:37,851 --> 00:07:41,109
You insist on the viewers being all
these, these and those?

104
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,230
Very well, very well.

105
00:07:43,810 --> 00:07:44,860
There we are.

106
00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:50,210
Disgusting, isn't it, but true to life.

107
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,490
Now, noses.

108
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,919
Noses. There will be a choice of noses,
Roman aquiline or hooked turnip. Now,

109
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,559
the number of nostrils will remain two,
although there will be a choice, of

110
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,060
course, of straight or flared.

111
00:08:05,061 --> 00:08:08,259
Members of the public will be allowed to
make their choice in their own time,

112
00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:11,559
but the House of Commons is to have a
special session when members can all

113
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,640
their noses together.

114
00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:19,759
Finally, in future, all children must be
born equally. That is, on October 1st

115
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,870
each year. This will be known as Labour
Day.

116
00:08:21,871 --> 00:08:26,719
To achieve this objective, all
television transmissions during the week

117
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,879
December the 23rd will close down at
nine o 'clock when everyone will have an

118
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:31,779
early night.

119
00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:34,550
Very happy just before Christmas to you
all. Good night.

120
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,060
Dr. Wilson sent my Charlie to see one of
them specialists.

121
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:53,880
Oh, which one was that?

122
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,800
You know, one of them sexologists.

123
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,190
I don't know if you want to send him
there for.

124
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:05,619
Well, it's a strange thing, but he said
every time he sneezes, he fancies a bit

125
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:06,670
of slap and tickle.

126
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,300
Chases me all over the house.

127
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,780
So what did the specialist say then?

128
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:13,340
Well, he told him to stop.

129
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,280
What, fancying you?

130
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,740
No, taking snuff.

131
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,730
Will you welcome, please, our guest this
week, Kiki Hood.

132
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:39,070
There he goes.

133
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,480
To all the born and fair boys, Nigel,
oh, Nigel.

134
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,520
Yeah, Saturday night, boys.

135
00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:03,000
But he don't want to fight no one.

136
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,660
Determine this, Nigel, to get on and do
well.

137
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:11,900
He laughs along and won't end up with
nothing.

138
00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:15,720
Surviving is something to learn to do
well.

139
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,220
Repetition is so strong.

140
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,240
He'll never let you down.

141
00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:28,220
He's a midnight flyer straight down the
line.

142
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,060
He'll look you in the eye at any time.

143
00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:36,260
He's a midnight flyer you all want to
be.

144
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,400
He's better than the rest more than
you'll ever be.

145
00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:46,760
I told you he's running somewhere new.
They say he always gets attention.

146
00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:49,090
What's up? What's the problem?

147
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:53,210
Everybody knows them guys who eat the
business.

148
00:10:53,590 --> 00:10:56,470
And they're the place that'll come to
you.

149
00:10:57,930 --> 00:11:00,230
Ain't a race, ain't a class.

150
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:05,430
He's a midnight choir straight down the
line.

151
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:36,450
Don't laugh, Nigel. Ask him where he's
been to and he'll tell you where to go.

152
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,950
Tired of that, Nigel.

153
00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:41,770
No one's pleased to ask questions.

154
00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:46,270
He believes everyone should be.

155
00:13:00,991 --> 00:13:08,439
...great ports of the world, arteries
through which crime can spread its ugly

156
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,880
tentacles ever wider as each year
passes.

157
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:17,539
Piggy Malone, if not the greatest
detective in the world, then certainly

158
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:22,660
the largest, and Charlie Farley, even
less great and certainly a lot less

159
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:26,760
were no stranger to world crime, as
their past records show.

160
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,859
Piggy's expertise in the case of the
Bombay Duck is still talked about in

161
00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:34,150
takeaways, The Length and Dreadful End
of It.

162
00:13:34,151 --> 00:13:38,349
And Charlie Farley dealt with the
phantom of the French pan as only he

163
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:39,400
from the inside.

164
00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:44,550
In Marseille, city of sin, neither of
our two heroes managed to find any.

165
00:13:44,551 --> 00:13:49,449
Discovering the secret formula on the
villainous's undergarments came pretty

166
00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:50,500
close to it.

167
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:55,949
But on a certain muggy April morning in
northwest London, the fat detective's

168
00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:58,390
thoughts were on more mundane matters.

169
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:19,970
Ah, morning, G.

170
00:14:19,971 --> 00:14:21,359
How's it going?

171
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,070
Not too bad. I've only just started, as
a matter of fact.

172
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:26,739
I decided to paint it the same colour
again, you know.

173
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:30,179
Why? When I found this paint down the
cellar, you know, left over from last

174
00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:32,959
year, I thought, well, I might as well,
you know, if it runs out, won't notice

175
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,010
as much, you know.

176
00:14:34,011 --> 00:14:38,219
Is that my apron you were wearing there?
Yeah, the one you got for Christmas.

177
00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:40,519
You don't mind, do you? No, it looks
silly on me.

178
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,470
Well, as a matter of fact, it looks a
little bit silly on you.

179
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,300
My mouth is like the Caligari Desert.

180
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:51,460
Oh, Caligari, gee.

181
00:14:51,461 --> 00:14:55,759
Caligari was that mad doctor who starred
in the film. You know, the cabinet of

182
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:59,100
Dr. Caligari. But that box full of
nasty, creepy, crawly things.

183
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,670
Yeah, well, the inside of my mouth is
like that.

184
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,900
I thought you were supposed to be on a
diet, eh?

185
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,740
I mean, Elsie's made a salad for your
lunch, you know. Elsie? Yeah.

186
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,650
I think I'll have it now. Where's Elsie?
Elsie!

187
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:22,350
All the time. I only die at mealtime,
see?

188
00:15:22,351 --> 00:15:27,879
Over the downstairs door. Might be a
case. I'm going to go down and answer

189
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:31,019
Will you carry on with the painting,
Elsie? Otherwise, you know, when it

190
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:37,519
these real nasty marks, you know... I'm
going shopping in a minute for your

191
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,840
salad. I've ordered some peppers.

192
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:41,640
Can I bring one?

193
00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:43,630
Yes, very nice.

194
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:46,050
They're only red ones that haven't
ripened.

195
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,410
I don't blame him.

196
00:15:57,780 --> 00:15:59,220
Filthy old beggar outside.

197
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:00,710
Says he's starving.

198
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,500
So am I. Got any biscuits, Elsie? What
about your diet?

199
00:16:04,740 --> 00:16:06,670
Nah, it's not for two hours yet. Come
on.

200
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,680
Look, he hasn't eaten for three days.

201
00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:10,680
Look, I haven't got any money.

202
00:16:10,681 --> 00:16:14,399
It's not money that's bothering him. The
reason he hasn't eaten for three days

203
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,450
is he's broken his false teeth. His
what?

204
00:16:16,490 --> 00:16:20,170
He's broken his false teeth and
wondering if we've got any super glue.

205
00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:24,109
Oh, yeah, he's sniffing that, I
shouldn't wonder. He wants to be careful

206
00:16:24,110 --> 00:16:27,649
that. If you accidentally sit down on
that sort of stuff, that is grounds for

207
00:16:27,650 --> 00:16:28,700
divorce, you know.

208
00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:32,860
He's on the level, all right. Look,
there you are. There they are there.

209
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,029
Oh, dear.

210
00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:37,229
How do we know there is? Well, he took
them out of his mouth when I was

211
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:42,209
there to polish them and they... What
else did he say? Well, after he'd taken

212
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,920
his teeth out, I couldn't make out what
he was on about.

213
00:16:45,550 --> 00:16:46,870
I'll tell you what we'll do.

214
00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:49,010
We'll get him up here, see if they fit
him.

215
00:16:49,011 --> 00:16:52,449
That's a very good idea, Chip. Do you
mind if I slip out of this?

216
00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:56,240
Only that's getting some very, very
funny looks. You know, from the milkman.

217
00:17:00,990 --> 00:17:02,250
That'll have to do for now.

218
00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:03,910
That's made me behind.

219
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:06,950
That's what? That's put me behind on me
ledger.

220
00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,170
You said it was a man, Charlie.

221
00:17:28,290 --> 00:17:31,600
I beg your pardon? You said it was a
filthy old beggar with no teeth.

222
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,350
No teeth. This is Mrs.

223
00:17:33,710 --> 00:17:35,250
Bumstead. She's a case.

224
00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:36,600
I can see that.

225
00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:38,530
Have a go, Mrs. Hampstead. Sit down.

226
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,190
Bumstead. Oh, well, whatever.

227
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,260
Put it down there.

228
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:46,589
Madam, what can we in the North West
London Detective and Surveillance Bureau

229
00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:47,640
for you?

230
00:17:47,790 --> 00:17:51,649
What? It's the new name. The North West
London Detective and Surveillance

231
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,369
Bureau. Have you got the card printed?

232
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:54,420
That's good.

233
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,479
How many of these have you had done?
Two.

234
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,219
One each.

235
00:17:57,220 --> 00:18:00,239
Where am I supposed to keep this? Down
me trouser leg or what?

236
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,700
Mr. Maguire, there is no time to lose.

237
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:04,660
The name is Malone, Mrs. Bedstead.

238
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,130
Bumstead. Exactly.

239
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,720
Please, let me explain my dilemma.

240
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,340
I have a large ensemble and it's
disappearing fast.

241
00:18:13,940 --> 00:18:17,070
Oh, that's funny. The chief's going on a
diet today and all that.

242
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,700
Ensemble? Music, you mean?

243
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,970
Precisely. A ladies' orchestra?

244
00:18:24,450 --> 00:18:26,450
Oh, like the Ivy Benson band, you mean?

245
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,570
Hardly. We play light classical.

246
00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:34,509
And, of course, some genteel dance music
for the captain when he has his parties

247
00:18:34,510 --> 00:18:35,690
aboard. Captain?

248
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:39,350
Aboard? Then this means it's a ladies'
orchestra on a ship.

249
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,970
You are remarkably quick on the uptake,
my good sir.

250
00:18:43,550 --> 00:18:45,660
I'm surprising myself a bit this
morning.

251
00:18:45,830 --> 00:18:48,060
You say disappearing they are, then, to
us?

252
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,370
Well, just vanishing one by one.

253
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,760
I started off with 16.

254
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,480
Now I'm down to 10.

255
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:57,740
The last one to go was my old old
saxophonist.

256
00:18:57,980 --> 00:19:00,520
A wonderful girl, devoted to her work.

257
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,320
Tax mad she was.

258
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:06,800
Lived for her instruments.

259
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,680
That's what I thought you said.

260
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,640
Something sinister is happening.

261
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,600
Frankly, I suspect white slavers.

262
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,470
Chinamen.

263
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,540
Chinamen are yellow, not white.

264
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:23,380
The girls they abduct are white. The
actual slavers can be any colour, you

265
00:19:23,381 --> 00:19:27,859
Chinamen, eh? This gives it a sort of
Far Eastern flavour then, doesn't it?

266
00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:31,290
are these girls the sort of girls who
would interest white slavers?

267
00:19:31,291 --> 00:19:32,279
Well, of course.

268
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,600
All well -educated.

269
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,400
And none of them are older than me.

270
00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:38,059
Well, they wouldn't have to be, wouldn't
they?

271
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:42,159
I mean, they wouldn't have to be well
-educated. On the other hand, of course,

272
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,450
suppose it wouldn't matter at all, would
it?

273
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:48,199
No, I mean, just because a girl plays a
cello doesn't mean she's no good at

274
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,250
anything else.

275
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:52,819
Precisely. In fact, with that sort of a
training, she would be very well

276
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:55,530
equipped to, well, to ride a motorbike,
for instance.

277
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:59,460
Please, gentlemen, won't you help me?

278
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:03,250
The ship is bound for Madeira, so it
ought to be quite a pleasant cruise.

279
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,860
We don't know Madeira, do we? No. I know
their cake very well.

280
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,680
Your usual fee, of course.

281
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:12,240
All expenses paid?

282
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:13,670
Certainly.

283
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:16,419
Well, before we decide, have we got time
to consider it?

284
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:17,500
As you wish.

285
00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,580
I've already considered it. So have I.

286
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:20,910
We'll do it.

287
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,639
Splendid. I'll send the car around for
you at two o 'clock. The boat sails this

288
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,000
afternoon. We'll be there.

289
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,660
Splendid. My girls will be most
grateful.

290
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,580
And I shall be delighted to welcome you
to my happy circle.

291
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:23,530
Come on, let's go.

292
00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:01,920
You see, only ten left.

293
00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:04,520
My woodwind section is very much
affected.

294
00:22:05,340 --> 00:22:08,660
Ten? I've only seen nine. Look, there's
another one gone there.

295
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:13,620
Why, heavens, Julia's gone, the
trombonist.

296
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:16,780
That knocked me right back on my brass
as well.

297
00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:18,960
Best slide trombonist around.

298
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,320
Perhaps she just slid out for the loo.

299
00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:25,459
Nonsense. She wouldn't go to the
lavatory in the middle of an English

300
00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:26,510
garden.

301
00:22:27,690 --> 00:22:29,610
No, she's been kidnapped like the rest.

302
00:22:30,070 --> 00:22:33,210
By now, she's probably in the back room
of some dockside cafe.

303
00:22:34,230 --> 00:22:36,830
Then we're about to sail. There's the
signal.

304
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:48,810
And so the boat sets sail. And with it,
our two befuddled heroes.

305
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:51,550
What will befall them on their voyage?

306
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,690
Who is the sinister blind man?

307
00:23:54,110 --> 00:23:57,120
And what has happened to Mrs. Bumstead's
woodwind section?

308
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:02,830
Don't miss next week's exciting episode
of Band of Slaves.

309
00:24:36,590 --> 00:24:37,640
Hello, Simon.

310
00:24:37,730 --> 00:24:38,890
Hello, Gerald here.

311
00:24:39,310 --> 00:24:41,950
Hello, Doris. Doris, it's me, Walter.

312
00:24:42,870 --> 00:24:44,030
How are you, old man?

313
00:24:44,350 --> 00:24:45,400
All right, thanks.

314
00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:50,389
Listen, Simon, I had to ring you up to
find out how you got on with that

315
00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:52,450
fabulous new girl last night.

316
00:24:52,870 --> 00:24:56,240
Not too bad. There were one or two
things I couldn't quite get hold of.

317
00:24:57,790 --> 00:25:00,370
Oh, yes. Yes, I know the kind of girl,
yes.

318
00:25:00,570 --> 00:25:02,740
Where did you take her? Somewhere
exotic?

319
00:25:03,310 --> 00:25:04,360
Sainsbury's.

320
00:25:07,010 --> 00:25:08,990
Bianca Jagger goes there, doesn't she?

321
00:25:09,070 --> 00:25:13,310
I think the best thing I can do, dear,
is to go through the list with you.

322
00:25:13,550 --> 00:25:17,280
Yes, yes, that's a good idea. So what
was she like? I mean, what sort of girl?

323
00:25:17,510 --> 00:25:18,560
A French bred.

324
00:25:18,890 --> 00:25:19,940
Oh, yes.

325
00:25:21,330 --> 00:25:22,490
Bloomers too large.

326
00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:26,310
Well, kept slipping down, you mean.

327
00:25:26,311 --> 00:25:29,929
Oh, well, if you will go ice skating,
you will keep slipping down, won't you?

328
00:25:29,930 --> 00:25:31,930
Yes. And rolls to 20p.

329
00:25:32,370 --> 00:25:33,420
She doesn't.

330
00:25:37,550 --> 00:25:38,990
What did you say her name was?

331
00:25:39,390 --> 00:25:40,440
Hovis.

332
00:25:42,570 --> 00:25:44,230
I think I know her.

333
00:25:45,230 --> 00:25:47,400
Isn't she pregnant at the moment,
though?

334
00:25:47,590 --> 00:25:49,750
No, no, no current bonds, dear.

335
00:25:50,650 --> 00:25:53,170
No, no, they've run out.

336
00:25:54,210 --> 00:25:56,190
A tin of something for the cat.

337
00:25:56,550 --> 00:25:58,950
This all sounds very fishy to me,
Oldsport.

338
00:25:59,650 --> 00:26:03,210
Very fishy indeed. Did you say her
parents were in oil?

339
00:26:03,630 --> 00:26:05,390
Yes, the Pilchards.

340
00:26:07,790 --> 00:26:11,290
She sounds a right little raver. I don't
know how she had the energy.

341
00:26:11,670 --> 00:26:14,050
She said the milkman hadn't been round
yet.

342
00:26:15,710 --> 00:26:18,990
That would explain it, of course. What
did you do?

343
00:26:19,310 --> 00:26:20,750
I had to get sterilised.

344
00:26:23,610 --> 00:26:24,660
Good God.

345
00:26:27,010 --> 00:26:30,020
To be on the safe side, I put them in
the fridge when I get back.

346
00:26:32,450 --> 00:26:34,390
Well, rather you than me, old Joe.

347
00:26:35,430 --> 00:26:37,080
Now, er... Where was I?

348
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:41,700
So, she took you home and gave you a
nightcap, did she? Yes, yes, dear.

349
00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:43,239
What sort?

350
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:46,100
What? That sounds a bit of a poofy
drink, old chap.

351
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,400
Well, it's all she had, fairy liquid.

352
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:54,140
Oh, I see, I see. She had the bitter
lemon and you had something stronger.

353
00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:56,100
Yes, three tins of curry powder.

354
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,780
Yes, just to keep you going, eh?

355
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:03,440
You lucky devil, I wish I'd been there.
What sort of perfume was she wearing?

356
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:04,900
Something really exotic.

357
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:06,850
Salt and vinegar.

358
00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:08,980
And smoky bacon.

359
00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:11,740
Making a pig of herself, was she?

360
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,780
Oh, sorry, that was a mistake, dear.

361
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,330
She was what? Wearing a cross -your
-heart bra?

362
00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:17,800
I thought it said Oxo.

363
00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:19,950
Oh, that's easy.

364
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:26,760
So you naturally took the opportunity of
having a quick... Butchers, yes, dear,

365
00:27:26,860 --> 00:27:30,240
yes. Yes, I didn't forget the steaks.

366
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,420
You saw her do what to the bra?

367
00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:34,070
Fill it.

368
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,400
With two portions of sirloin.

369
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,930
Yes, I did make sure they were tender,
dear, yes.

370
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,820
So, I see you had her sitting there,
nicely on the boil.

371
00:27:48,020 --> 00:27:49,070
Then what did you do?

372
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,100
I went across the road for some apples.

373
00:27:51,101 --> 00:27:55,639
That's all you need, isn't it? I mean,
that is all you need. A dog leaping up

374
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:56,319
into your lap.

375
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:57,400
Yes, the crunchy sort.

376
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,270
With the yellow skin, you know. A golden
retriever. Golden delicious.

377
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,070
I bet he bites people, doesn't he? And
cocks his pippins.

378
00:28:10,510 --> 00:28:14,830
Yes, I'm sure. What a terrible thing to
happen. So, what exactly did you say?

379
00:28:15,290 --> 00:28:17,460
My three minutes is up. I'll have to go,
dear.

380
00:28:17,461 --> 00:28:20,549
That's about all you could say, I
suppose.

381
00:28:20,550 --> 00:28:24,270
Listen, you haven't told me yet, Simon,
what this girl does for a living.

382
00:28:24,530 --> 00:28:25,580
What? She what?

383
00:28:25,890 --> 00:28:29,830
She works at the same, Riz. Oh, God,
your champagne wants to go.

384
00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:31,450
That's for after you, later.

385
00:28:31,970 --> 00:28:35,869
I tell you, Simon, is this girl about
six foot tall, blonde, big blue eyes and

386
00:28:35,870 --> 00:28:37,010
other things to match?

387
00:28:37,570 --> 00:28:38,620
I'm going to be late.

388
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:40,780
I've got a fair bit to see to.

389
00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:46,280
I should forget it all, Simon. I'm
sorry, old sport, you've been short

390
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:48,640
My little basket.

391
00:29:06,890 --> 00:29:09,240
Do you know anything that prevents
baldness?

392
00:29:09,450 --> 00:29:10,500
Only hair.

393
00:29:11,190 --> 00:29:15,250
You've gone balding, lad. No, me
husband. It's all falling out.

394
00:29:15,770 --> 00:29:17,090
Where, all over?

395
00:29:17,330 --> 00:29:19,550
Yeah, all over the Shag Park carpet.

396
00:29:20,670 --> 00:29:22,950
Since when have you had Shag Park
carpet?

397
00:29:23,190 --> 00:29:25,480
Ever since Harry's hair started falling
off.

398
00:29:26,550 --> 00:29:29,410
You Harry always had nice, wavy hair.

399
00:29:29,730 --> 00:29:31,770
Yeah, well, it's waving goodbye now.

400
00:29:32,330 --> 00:29:34,610
His is growing very bushy elsewhere.

401
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,450
I'll get near him.

402
00:29:37,580 --> 00:29:39,480
It's ruining our love life.

403
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:44,020
Well, since he's grown this beard, he
kisses me through a straw.

404
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:54,899
Here is a very funny story

405
00:29:54,900 --> 00:29:57,400
about a man who lives in Dagenham.

406
00:29:58,100 --> 00:29:59,720
It's not very funny so far, is it?

407
00:29:59,900 --> 00:30:01,960
And I speak with...

408
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:07,879
The voice of experience, because I have
just recently moved out of a house in

409
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,779
Dagenham. Well, that place, it was too
cramped for comfort.

410
00:30:10,780 --> 00:30:14,390
Every time the morning paper arrived, I
went flying out the back window.

411
00:30:15,180 --> 00:30:18,490
And I have to be honest, it was
something of a rough neighbourhood.

412
00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:20,560
We had to put a crook lock on the cat.

413
00:30:21,860 --> 00:30:26,159
I remember once the lady next door, a
lady next door once held a Tupperware

414
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,660
party, and all police leave was
cancelled.

415
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:34,789
In fact, the crime rate was so high,
there was a six -month waiting list to

416
00:30:34,790 --> 00:30:35,840
mugged.

417
00:30:38,170 --> 00:30:43,769
The neighbourhood, you can laugh, the
neighbourhood was so tough that John

418
00:30:43,770 --> 00:30:44,820
was our Avon lady.

419
00:30:47,710 --> 00:30:52,369
Now, fortunately, our new home is much
nicer. I mean, I have to admit, the

420
00:30:52,370 --> 00:30:56,069
garden is a little bit overgrown. My
wife was hanging out some washing

421
00:30:56,070 --> 00:30:58,840
and three Japanese soldiers came out and
surrendered.

422
00:31:00,910 --> 00:31:03,330
At the moment, she is unbelievably thin.

423
00:31:03,890 --> 00:31:06,010
With the tongue out, she looks like a
zip.

424
00:31:09,270 --> 00:31:14,989
On Saturday, I decided to give her a
hand with the housework, and that's

425
00:31:14,990 --> 00:31:16,040
made my big mistake.

426
00:31:16,050 --> 00:31:20,269
There I was in the kitchen, washing a
few clothes out, and I fell into the

427
00:31:20,270 --> 00:31:21,320
tumble dryer.

428
00:31:22,030 --> 00:31:25,400
My two young children came in and
thought they were watching Magic

429
00:31:26,750 --> 00:31:28,330
Luckily, I had my wits about me.

430
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,590
I did three minutes of my cabaret act
and they got up and switched off.

431
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:42,059
Understandably, I was still rather
shaken the next day and I went to see

432
00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:45,300
producer of the show, you know, in the
Oval Office.

433
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,640
And as I walked in, he was sitting
behind the desk arranging a bunch of

434
00:31:50,860 --> 00:31:52,970
For a special he's doing with the
Osmonds.

435
00:31:52,971 --> 00:31:57,139
He put the phone down, he came over to
me, he said to me, what are you going to

436
00:31:57,140 --> 00:31:59,550
do for your little chatty poos tonight,
lovey?

437
00:31:59,551 --> 00:32:02,899
I don't do that voice too often, I might
get to like it.

438
00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:08,059
I said, well, actually, lovey, I'm going
to do the one about the chap from

439
00:32:08,060 --> 00:32:12,219
Dagenham, which I happen to overhear in
the BBC canteen at lunchtime, if you

440
00:32:12,220 --> 00:32:15,839
don't mind. I don't usually go to the
BBC canteen today, but it's a special

441
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,779
occasion, you know. They were presenting
one of the sausage rolls, the Gold

442
00:32:18,780 --> 00:32:19,830
Watch.

443
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,540
I overheard...

444
00:32:23,740 --> 00:32:25,300
These two fellas talking.

445
00:32:25,301 --> 00:32:28,659
Now, one of them I knew quite well, the
sort of bloke who's always trying to

446
00:32:28,660 --> 00:32:32,440
make a mountain out of a molehill, and
Marty Cain's costume designer.

447
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:39,900
The other one was a producer, as a
matter of fact, with BBC Scotland.

448
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,999
Last I heard, he was due to make a new
series about arts in Glasgow called

449
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,050
Stitch That Jimmy.

450
00:32:49,220 --> 00:32:53,919
Apparently, apparently it never came
off. The story goes, to be honest, that

451
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:58,020
annoyed Paul Daniels in the bar one day
and spent three weeks inside a matchbox.

452
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:03,340
This was the joke they were telling
about a chap who lives in Dagenham. Now,

453
00:33:03,420 --> 00:33:05,220
don't ask me why he lives in Dagenham.

454
00:33:05,380 --> 00:33:10,260
They're now as queer as folk, as I
always remember my Uncle Doris telling

455
00:33:11,660 --> 00:33:14,070
Shortly before he was cashiered from the
Wrens.

456
00:33:14,540 --> 00:33:16,520
The important thing is...

457
00:33:16,730 --> 00:33:22,909
that he is flying this plane in a solo
flight round the world, next to which

458
00:33:22,910 --> 00:33:26,510
Dagenham bit is all a bit irrelevant, or
irrelevant, or better still,

459
00:33:26,610 --> 00:33:33,549
irrelevant. So off he goes on this solo
flight in his

460
00:33:33,550 --> 00:33:38,210
lightweight Moulinex turboprop, and as
luck would have it, a freak wind...

461
00:33:38,430 --> 00:33:42,090
It blows him off course, and he has to
make a forced landing.

462
00:33:42,290 --> 00:33:46,149
Excuse me laughing, but I've heard it,
you see. Has to make a slap bang in the

463
00:33:46,150 --> 00:33:47,770
middle of the African jungle.

464
00:33:48,590 --> 00:33:49,690
Blow it, he says.

465
00:33:50,110 --> 00:33:51,190
What was that effect?

466
00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:55,569
Now I'm stranded. No food, no water
supplies. Thank God I brought some

467
00:33:55,570 --> 00:34:00,530
pouches. At that moment, there is a
rustle in the bushes, you see.

468
00:34:00,770 --> 00:34:05,390
And from out of the undergrowth steps
this seven -foot -tall African native.

469
00:34:06,060 --> 00:34:09,250
bone through the nose, shrunken heads
hanging around his neck.

470
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,180
I think he was from Dagenham as well.

471
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:17,820
Carrying his hand, a rude spear, which
we won't dwell on.

472
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:23,039
Naturally, the chap is just about to
start saying his prayers when the native

473
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:29,259
speaks to him, seven foot tall native,
says, pardon me, my good man, but I... I

474
00:34:29,260 --> 00:34:32,020
can't help noticing that you...

475
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:34,679
seemed to be in some distress.

476
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:41,678
I was therefore wondering whether I
might perchance be of any

477
00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:44,780
assistance to you.

478
00:34:45,100 --> 00:34:48,999
The chap said, well, if he's very kind,
he said, not at all, he said, I'm only

479
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,520
too happy to offer it.

480
00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:54,560
Doesn't half take it out of you.

481
00:34:55,380 --> 00:34:58,840
In whatever way you desire.

482
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:03,140
Well, at this point, the chap's
curiosity gets the better of him. He

483
00:35:03,180 --> 00:35:07,720
excuse me for asking this. He said, but
here we are in the middle of the jungle.

484
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,880
How is it you speak such immaculate
English?

485
00:35:10,881 --> 00:35:14,659
Well, the seven foot tall native said,
well, he said, as a matter of fact, sir,

486
00:35:14,660 --> 00:35:18,660
I picked it up on shortwave radio.

487
00:35:55,340 --> 00:36:01,979
We are twice as greedy as all our chums.
I take philosophy

488
00:36:01,980 --> 00:36:03,100
as it comes.

489
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:06,860
I'm good at spelling and doing some.

490
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:10,740
I'm terribly bright and frequently tight
on Saturday night.

491
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,500
Well, in the Latin and Greek, are we?

492
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,240
I got a Master of Arts degree.

493
00:36:18,700 --> 00:36:22,000
I got a buttercup cookie.

494
00:36:22,420 --> 00:36:26,020
And now I'm getting ten out of ten for
filling his pen.

495
00:36:26,240 --> 00:36:27,920
I saw me tutor.

496
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:29,740
What did he say?

497
00:36:30,020 --> 00:36:33,560
If you don't work for your B .S .C.,
you'll end up with B .A.

498
00:36:34,730 --> 00:36:37,270
Oxford and working wonders there.

499
00:36:37,590 --> 00:36:41,130
I'm reading trigonometry and I'm reading
Rupert Bear.

500
00:36:44,810 --> 00:36:49,729
At breakfast time the table's laid by
rows of buxom serving maids who's over

501
00:36:49,730 --> 00:36:53,830
large and underpaid and helps the
students cram. Not Friday night.

502
00:36:54,430 --> 00:36:58,769
She burnt her boats on the breakfast
toast, all because of a midnight raid

503
00:36:58,770 --> 00:37:03,389
several undergrads who stayed for a go
at her Oxford marmalade. And now she's

504
00:37:03,390 --> 00:37:04,440
the jam.

505
00:37:06,810 --> 00:37:11,709
Last Wednesday night I saw the dean cast
off his gown of bombazine and in the

506
00:37:11,710 --> 00:37:14,430
buff the daft old queen went dancing
down the high.

507
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,280
And every passerby could see his BTM and
his PhD.

508
00:37:18,580 --> 00:37:23,119
And when I asked him where he'd been, he
answered with a word obscene, which in

509
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,700
the Greek I took to mean, go forth and
multiply.

510
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:34,139
In Bale, Oriel, Corpus and Harps, they
knock off as soon as the bell goes. In

511
00:37:34,140 --> 00:37:37,079
Wadham and Keeble, there's masters of
arts, who don't know their arts from

512
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,200
elbows. St. Kitts is full of twits.

513
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:43,999
There's lots of swats at Merton, but for
top... Mox, giggles and mox, give us a

514
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,060
gurgle, gurgle.

515
00:37:56,740 --> 00:37:59,580
What a day for a picnic.

516
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:02,020
What a day for a do.

517
00:38:03,180 --> 00:38:06,000
Cake and champagne when the party stops.

518
00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:09,060
And Fred's well away with a couple of
pies.

519
00:38:12,300 --> 00:38:14,420
We said, by jingo, what fun.

520
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:20,680
He's got jam, spam, overcooked ham, and
a hot cross bun.

521
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:27,040
Stirring up the jelly, Nelly, custard
all complete.

522
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:33,440
Flustered in the belly, Nelly dropped it
on my feet.

523
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:39,800
She's a peach and cream complexion, and
she trifles with affection.

524
00:38:40,180 --> 00:38:46,050
So I'll wear... my Mac and Welly. Welly,
if you will be my sweet.

525
00:38:48,150 --> 00:38:51,890
Taking tea with the girls are our
varsity pals.

526
00:38:52,150 --> 00:38:54,570
Doing parlor tricks charming and balmy.

527
00:38:55,090 --> 00:39:00,149
There's Nick with a trick which he does
with a brick, two eggs and a stick of

528
00:39:00,150 --> 00:39:06,469
salami. There's Halgen on hearth, the
divinity first, with a party trick even

529
00:39:06,470 --> 00:39:11,090
unica. But he's hissed and he's booed as
he stands in the nude.

530
00:39:11,390 --> 00:39:13,930
Playing God Save the King on his
squeaker.

531
00:39:17,630 --> 00:39:24,629
You can tell she's a sport when you pour
her a port. She's

532
00:39:24,630 --> 00:39:26,650
the sort that will always say when.

533
00:39:30,250 --> 00:39:36,990
Oh, the good times she's shown us when I
got a bonus.

534
00:39:37,270 --> 00:39:39,290
And I got a starter for ten.

535
00:40:09,370 --> 00:40:15,429
On the banks of the river, each summer
we see... Big niggers, big niggers, big

536
00:40:15,430 --> 00:40:16,480
niggers.

537
00:40:17,930 --> 00:40:19,850
the boat race with compits and tea.

538
00:40:21,330 --> 00:40:26,010
Our homemade rosettes are of various
blues.

539
00:40:26,530 --> 00:40:29,470
And our lady friends yell as their
undies they lose.

540
00:40:29,730 --> 00:40:32,650
Cause the cruise to a man when invited
to choose.

541
00:40:43,350 --> 00:40:44,750
I'm an Oxford blue.

542
00:40:44,990 --> 00:40:48,669
And I do a little yachting. I'm an
Oxford Blue with a lady in the crew. I

543
00:40:48,670 --> 00:40:51,849
often hugger -mugger with the lady in
the lugger, but a pounce a little

544
00:40:51,850 --> 00:40:52,849
for an Oxford.

545
00:40:52,850 --> 00:40:56,949
I'm an Oxford Blue with a pennant on me
dinghy. I'm an Oxford Blue and I know a

546
00:40:56,950 --> 00:41:00,269
thing or two. When I cuddle little
Glynnis, I'm a menace in a pinnacle. I'm

547
00:41:00,270 --> 00:41:02,130
of fun and Guinness. I'm an Oxford Blue.

548
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:31,580
Thank you. Thank you.

549
00:42:07,621 --> 00:42:14,249
That seems to be almost all we have time
for tonight, doesn't it, Ronnie? Yes,

550
00:42:14,250 --> 00:42:17,020
indeed it does. But before we go, a few
late items of news.

551
00:42:17,021 --> 00:42:20,749
Lovejoy Sprigg, the Essex man who
doesn't know the difference between a

552
00:42:20,750 --> 00:42:24,169
-down and a hoedown, was trampled to
death tonight during the semi -final of

553
00:42:24,170 --> 00:42:25,220
Come Dancing.

554
00:42:25,290 --> 00:42:31,649
LAUGHTER Honeymooning lorry driver

555
00:42:31,650 --> 00:42:36,870
Sid Frostleby and his bride were rescued
tonight from their hotel bedroom.

556
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:40,970
Apparently the bed jackknifed as he was
attempting a three -point turn.

557
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:49,839
Girling Pinnock, the trainee hermit from
Hales Owen, this afternoon entered the

558
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:53,499
third week of his training course for
the solitary life. He's been standing on

559
00:42:53,500 --> 00:42:55,540
the terraces at Chelsea Football Ground.

560
00:42:56,400 --> 00:43:01,679
There was a fire at the main inland
revenue office in London today, but it

561
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:03,730
put out before any serious good was
done.

562
00:43:08,710 --> 00:43:12,509
The attempt by Mr. Delmas Buckley to
sail round the world in a bathtub ended

563
00:43:12,510 --> 00:43:13,529
failure this morning.

564
00:43:13,530 --> 00:43:16,189
He'd only been at sea for ten minutes
when he had to get out and answer the

565
00:43:16,190 --> 00:43:17,240
phone.

566
00:43:19,990 --> 00:43:24,109
Next week, I shall be telling you about
an exciting innovation in the gardening

567
00:43:24,110 --> 00:43:28,969
world. Harry Smutters of Hendon has
crossed a red -hot poker with a forget

568
00:43:28,970 --> 00:43:31,020
-not and come up with a painful
reminder.

569
00:43:31,021 --> 00:43:36,119
And in a packed programme, we shall be
showing you the latest form of self

570
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:39,739
-improvement. It involves a full -length
mirror and a tin of varnish, so you can

571
00:43:39,740 --> 00:43:41,240
gloss over your shortcomings.

572
00:43:41,241 --> 00:43:45,309
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

573
00:43:45,310 --> 00:43:49,860
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